I Love You.

August 06, 2014 10:32 PM

            I miss Lisa and the kids so much. As I watch my Loki grow, I can’t help but think back to my Thor and our first trip to see them. He had gotten so big from the time she had seen him and the time she came back. He is already nearly as big as Thor was when we went down the first time. Most days I am barely find the strength to get out of bed. I don’t talk about my feelings for her and the kids to anyone really anymore because I know nobody really want to hear the same old story. I still dream of them all the time, that and dying. Some times when I wake in the middle of the night with a panic attack and my heart is screaming in such pain I want to drive a knife s deep into it to make it stop just so I don’t have to wonder anymore. I can’t bring myself to even wipe her message from my bathroom mirror.  Nevertheless, each day at least for a short while I decide I will live just a little bit longer. Just a little, that maybe I will hear from the love of my life, from my best friend, from the kids. I look at y Loki and I think how lucky Thor and I were or at least Thor as, he died knowing that they really loved him. Last night I scared my boy, I woke up screaming. I need them so much, I miss them so much. I love them with all that is in me. Each night i still tell her I love her and tell them all good night. Please lord bring her back to me.

 

Hate

July 25, 2014 12:02 PM

            My life is one suck ass day after another. I had a phone call earlier this week by my cousin Joe.  I was gone and he left a voice mail wanting me to call him back. Naturally I didn't, had no interest in hearing from him let alone calling him back about anything. But his calling forced me to contact my sister to do the right thing as the older brother and let her know that he was calling again. having not had any contact with her in a year I was not happy about that. It was her choice and she had to live with her choice. But I texted her, didn't get any response as expected. He called again the next day, left a message again saying he wanted my sisters cell number. I didn't call him back either but once again texted her to let her know he was looking for her. The exchange was , cool to say the least. Gad I hate him in the worst way. I don't even acknowledge that he even exists unless I'm forced to in a situation like that. I don't even think about him unless something forces me to.  so hate him more than anything , there is only one person on this earth I hate more than him. I love a woman that, well I love her more than life itself and I hurt so very much  I hurt every moment of every single day. I don't now how to stop the pain, I don't know how to live with this bleeding would through my middle and I don't know how to stop missing her and the kids. The depression gets worse every day and I just don't have the strength anymore.

 

I just can't cut her away

July 15, 2014 01:15 AM

           Today I helped my boy Loki with his teeth. He had 4 baby teeth that had to come out because they were loose and they were hurting him. He has had trouble eating the last couple of days because of them and it took a little time and cuddling but I managed to get them out. He is doing better tonight and is finally sleeping good. Tonight as he laid on the bed with me looking so sad and I petted him and just let him be close all I could do is think about to me Thor and out family and it made me cry. Hell I am crying like I do most times when I think of them because I hurt so much. Loki and I watched  movie and he knew something was wrong, he always does. As I rolled to my side a little there was a sharp pain in my left pocket and I knew it was my keys. I reached in to dig them out. I sat looking at them and I just began to cry harder. You see I don't look at them very often, I try very hard not to. Tonight I took part of my key chain off and it killed me to do it. It hurts so much even right now to speak about it. You see on the key ring I made hung a very special and dear to me key chin. it was a gift from Lisa and the kids. It was a heart shaped locket that I carried their picture in and on the outside of it it says Kansas on it. They always wanted me to remember someone in Kansas loved me, now I don't know if anyone ever really did . I hurt so much all the time and I don't know how to make it stop. I have carried it since they gave it to me and in my other pocket there are 2 things that re always there. The one is the little moonstone angel the Lisa gave my mom and I have carried that with me every single day since the day my mom died. and in the same pocket there is a horse chestnut seed or a "buck eye" that my jess brought back from Ohio for me and I have carried it in that same pocket since she gave it to me. It is hard as a rock and is polished to a dark sheen now from wear and being moved around in the fabric. Every single time I change clothes those 2 things get transferred first. First my right front pocket with my angel and my buck eye the my left with my keys and my locket.The only reason I am not wearing my Jessie's bracelet right now is because of this damn skin condition I have developed because of the constant emotional stress. When I was alone and hurting or feeling sad or even missing my mo or my love and the kids I would find myself reaching into my pocket and holding that little angel or just out of nowhere it would seem to be in my hand and I would be rubbing it. It would make me feel close to my mom and to my love and family. I have often thought of taking Jess's buck eye and drilling it and running a silver eye wire through it and making a necklace out of it. God I can't focus my thoughts are so scrambled its not even funny I miss you baby, so much and I wish I could just close my eyes and never wake up.

 

It is sad for me to know that losing her and the kids nobody is ever going to love me this much when I'm gone.
http://ilovedogs.tv/844/This-Story-Of-A-Dog’s-Last-Day-On-Earth-Is-Beautiful-And-Utterly-Heartbreaking

Sleep

July 14, 2014 01:02 AM

            You know with each passing day my depression grows worse. I seem to sleep more and more to avoid my life. Both Loki and I slept most of the weekend. Even he has an even harder time waking me up. I havent eaten in several days and i dont have any appetite at all.maybe this will end up being my final gift to her. I don't even remember the last time I even used my cpap machine it has been so long ago, I guess part of me feels that she was the one that found the fact that i stop breathing in my sleep it would some how be fitting that perhaps i should die that way. I tin part of me keeps hoping that will happen so I am spared any more of this. As my mom put it, I am not afraid and i am more then ready. I am just so tired.