Trapped and no way out.

September 22, 2014 03:22 AM

            I sit here listening to my music and I cant help but think how my life is so much like some of the music I listen to. Was listening to Hotel California a little bit ago and my life seems so much like that song. I feel so totally trapped in a nightmare in a maze full of exit signs and all of them lead out and go exactly nowhere. I go from room to room finding something new anything from the hope of her love and the memories of all we shared and the feeling of being totally complete to the next room holding nothing but total despair. At every turn I feel trapped and there only seems to be one way out for me, only one escape from the pain I have to live with. I spent so much time talking/texting with my Jess Saturday and Sunday and she accidentally called me while trying to send me a picture but God the sound of her voice nearly killed me. I miss her and her brother and sister so much and how I miss their mom. There is nothing worse that can happen to a man that the death of that something special deep inside you that keeps you alive. If only I had died or I had never answered that hello in the night, but if I had not I would never have had those wonderful kids in my life even if it seems like only one of them truly misses me. God if you are truly out there and if I matter in the smallest bit help her remember the love we shared, help her find her way back to the love we shared. Ad if it is truly your will that we are not meant to be together in this live please lord take me, take me now. For if I am dead I can await her in the next life and we can be together there. For I would die a thousand thousand times and search for her over countless lifetimes to be with her. For one lifetime with her is not enough for me I want to live a forever’s worth of lifetimes with her. If you wont let me lord takes away my hope, take away my love and take away my heart. Undo what you let her do to me. Give me back my strength of unfeeling and uncaring, return to me my dark and dead heart, grant me my lone soul and desert of dreams. Take from me all of it so the pain stops, please God I beg you.

 

1 Step Forward, 5 Steps Back

August 25, 2014 01:13 AM

         My luck is as always running right on course.. not only is my truck giving me problems but now the air conditioner in the house gone to shit. I don't know if the compressor is out of it or if it has a Freon leak. I don’t know it just seems like I manage one step forward and I end up making five steps back. I was talking to a friend earlier tonight and she was telling me about a neighbor of hers that they had found that died of an apparent suicide. She said it was so sad that the woman did not really have much family but what she did have did not live very far but they rarely visited. They said she had a little dog but what she couldn’t understand was that she killed her dog before she took her own life.  I didn’t say much for a little bit, thinking how that reflected my own situation some I told her that wasn’t really all that hard to understand. She asked my why would she do that to her dog? She said she couldn't understand any of it really, she was a nice gal and friendly and had talked with her many time and she never would have guessed she would do something like this.  I told her if her dog was her sole companion like my Loki s I could fully understand. If it was like me Loki would be devastated without me. hell he is heart broken if I go outside without him. I would want to spare him the soul crushing heartbreak of my being gone and never returning. Besides who would take him in, my family? wouldn’t happen. maybe she knew her family would take her dog to a shelter or something here it would sit not understanding, alone and afraid until it was put to sleep. I told her just because she appeared happy doesn’t mean she was, you can be with people and be s totally a lone that it hurts so much and nobody knows. People don’t now or understand and you never know what is happening in a persons life. I could not let Loki suffer without me, how many stories and videos haven’t I seen about pets abandoned because their owners passed away and  they wait for them to come back, nobody to care for them but they wait. Loki even now feels bad because I refuse to play with him so he doesn’t get over heated with the A/C broken now. If something  had happened to me Lisa would have tried to take care of him. But I think realistically that probably wouldn’t have happened either. Not where she lives. She just wouldn’t have been able to keep him there. but at least someone he knew and that loved him would have wanted him.

            Now it seems  don’t even have any family. I found out my nephew moved nearly to the other side of the state and neither he nor anyone else even saw fit to tell me anything about it. The only time I ever hear anything from the kids is when I initiate contact myself. So really who would take Loki? I guess a lot more things don't matter now. I guess I will be making some more changes to my will. I had been planning to leave things like my childhood toys, my Tonka’s etc... to the kids which I know are worth a lot of money but ya know if that’s how they want to treat me I may as well sell them and get some use out of them. I miss my love and our kids and that feeling of family and feeling whole.  This feeling f being so incomplete is more than I can bare but yet that tiny fragment of hope still burns. I fear that one of these days even that will be gone and on that day I too will cease to exist. I wonder if anyone will wonder why, wonder why it took my dog with me why I left, what sadness I felt so deep inside me that that was the only future I could see and want for myself. I started this a Friday night late and there is just too much on my mind. Trying to figure out where money is going to come from , how I am going to get the truck fixed, and thinking about her and the kids and a whole lot of other stuff crammed in to the spaces in between. I took something to put me to sleep and its kicking in s I’m just going to call it a night. I love and miss you and the kids darlin.

 

A Passing Thought...

August 22, 2014 02:15 AM

            This week has totally sucked, ended up having to replace the water pump on the truck which i can't really afford. Thank god I have the friends that I do. Kurt showed up the other day with the new pump I still had not figured out how I was going to swing getting it and he had taken his step daughters car over and junked it and he had the money so he picked me up the pump. Well we got it in and I was leaving the sealant set over night. Well there wasn't anymore leak so that is fixed. Then today on the way up to my therapy appt. trying to run the fan to have some air moving discovered the only thing that would come out was hot air, really hot air.so Loki and I  had a real miserable trip up and back home. The heat index hit 109 today.figured out what that problem was working out in the heat so in the morning ill go up and get a vacuum hose and plug set and start tracing down lines and sealing of stuff so I know the actuator is getting sufficient pressure to function.
             You know thinking about my friends I Have to think about my Lisa as well. even the men I have chosen as friends are much like me. I never really gave it much thought to be honest. She never believed anyone could ever love another's children as much as their own until she saw that I loved her kids as much as she did. That I would give up and sacrifice and do whatever i had to got those kids and each one of my closest friends are the same way. Whether it is Dave, Rory or Kurt each of us accepted and loved another man's children as our own to love and cherish and take into our lives as though we were their natural fathers. And of all of us Dave was the only once to have been a natural  father.the other three of us never have nor will we ever father a child yet we know the love and joy of being a parent even if it has been torn away from me. Doesn't really mean anything writing this down other than I had not really taken it into account before and thought it was worth noting. It's late and I hurt so much bother physically and mentally. I miss her so  much. I love her and the kids so very much and I hope she knows it. Good night my beloved. I love you.

 

August 07, 2014 09:58 PM