I just can't cut her away

July 15, 2014 01:15 AM

           Today I helped my boy Loki with his teeth. He had 4 baby teeth that had to come out because they were loose and they were hurting him. He has had trouble eating the last couple of days because of them and it took a little time and cuddling but I managed to get them out. He is doing better tonight and is finally sleeping good. Tonight as he laid on the bed with me looking so sad and I petted him and just let him be close all I could do is think about to me Thor and out family and it made me cry. Hell I am crying like I do most times when I think of them because I hurt so much. Loki and I watched  movie and he knew something was wrong, he always does. As I rolled to my side a little there was a sharp pain in my left pocket and I knew it was my keys. I reached in to dig them out. I sat looking at them and I just began to cry harder. You see I don't look at them very often, I try very hard not to. Tonight I took part of my key chain off and it killed me to do it. It hurts so much even right now to speak about it. You see on the key ring I made hung a very special and dear to me key chin. it was a gift from Lisa and the kids. It was a heart shaped locket that I carried their picture in and on the outside of it it says Kansas on it. They always wanted me to remember someone in Kansas loved me, now I don't know if anyone ever really did . I hurt so much all the time and I don't know how to make it stop. I have carried it since they gave it to me and in my other pocket there are 2 things that re always there. The one is the little moonstone angel the Lisa gave my mom and I have carried that with me every single day since the day my mom died. and in the same pocket there is a horse chestnut seed or a "buck eye" that my jess brought back from Ohio for me and I have carried it in that same pocket since she gave it to me. It is hard as a rock and is polished to a dark sheen now from wear and being moved around in the fabric. Every single time I change clothes those 2 things get transferred first. First my right front pocket with my angel and my buck eye the my left with my keys and my locket.The only reason I am not wearing my Jessie's bracelet right now is because of this damn skin condition I have developed because of the constant emotional stress. When I was alone and hurting or feeling sad or even missing my mo or my love and the kids I would find myself reaching into my pocket and holding that little angel or just out of nowhere it would seem to be in my hand and I would be rubbing it. It would make me feel close to my mom and to my love and family. I have often thought of taking Jess's buck eye and drilling it and running a silver eye wire through it and making a necklace out of it. God I can't focus my thoughts are so scrambled its not even funny I miss you baby, so much and I wish I could just close my eyes and never wake up.

 

It is sad for me to know that losing her and the kids nobody is ever going to love me this much when I'm gone.
http://ilovedogs.tv/844/This-Story-Of-A-Dog’s-Last-Day-On-Earth-Is-Beautiful-And-Utterly-Heartbreaking