Trapped and no way out.

September 22, 2014 03:22 AM

            I sit here listening to my music and I cant help but think how my life is so much like some of the music I listen to. Was listening to Hotel California a little bit ago and my life seems so much like that song. I feel so totally trapped in a nightmare in a maze full of exit signs and all of them lead out and go exactly nowhere. I go from room to room finding something new anything from the hope of her love and the memories of all we shared and the feeling of being totally complete to the next room holding nothing but total despair. At every turn I feel trapped and there only seems to be one way out for me, only one escape from the pain I have to live with. I spent so much time talking/texting with my Jess Saturday and Sunday and she accidentally called me while trying to send me a picture but God the sound of her voice nearly killed me. I miss her and her brother and sister so much and how I miss their mom. There is nothing worse that can happen to a man that the death of that something special deep inside you that keeps you alive. If only I had died or I had never answered that hello in the night, but if I had not I would never have had those wonderful kids in my life even if it seems like only one of them truly misses me. God if you are truly out there and if I matter in the smallest bit help her remember the love we shared, help her find her way back to the love we shared. Ad if it is truly your will that we are not meant to be together in this live please lord take me, take me now. For if I am dead I can await her in the next life and we can be together there. For I would die a thousand thousand times and search for her over countless lifetimes to be with her. For one lifetime with her is not enough for me I want to live a forever’s worth of lifetimes with her. If you wont let me lord takes away my hope, take away my love and take away my heart. Undo what you let her do to me. Give me back my strength of unfeeling and uncaring, return to me my dark and dead heart, grant me my lone soul and desert of dreams. Take from me all of it so the pain stops, please God I beg you.

 

1 Step Forward, 5 Steps Back

August 25, 2014 01:13 AM

         My luck is as always running right on course.. not only is my truck giving me problems but now the air conditioner in the house gone to shit. I don't know if the compressor is out of it or if it has a Freon leak. I don’t know it just seems like I manage one step forward and I end up making five steps back. I was talking to a friend earlier tonight and she was telling me about a neighbor of hers that they had found that died of an apparent suicide. She said it was so sad that the woman did not really have much family but what she did have did not live very far but they rarely visited. They said she had a little dog but what she couldn’t understand was that she killed her dog before she took her own life.  I didn’t say much for a little bit, thinking how that reflected my own situation some I told her that wasn’t really all that hard to understand. She asked my why would she do that to her dog? She said she couldn't understand any of it really, she was a nice gal and friendly and had talked with her many time and she never would have guessed she would do something like this.  I told her if her dog was her sole companion like my Loki s I could fully understand. If it was like me Loki would be devastated without me. hell he is heart broken if I go outside without him. I would want to spare him the soul crushing heartbreak of my being gone and never returning. Besides who would take him in, my family? wouldn’t happen. maybe she knew her family would take her dog to a shelter or something here it would sit not understanding, alone and afraid until it was put to sleep. I told her just because she appeared happy doesn’t mean she was, you can be with people and be s totally a lone that it hurts so much and nobody knows. People don’t now or understand and you never know what is happening in a persons life. I could not let Loki suffer without me, how many stories and videos haven’t I seen about pets abandoned because their owners passed away and  they wait for them to come back, nobody to care for them but they wait. Loki even now feels bad because I refuse to play with him so he doesn’t get over heated with the A/C broken now. If something  had happened to me Lisa would have tried to take care of him. But I think realistically that probably wouldn’t have happened either. Not where she lives. She just wouldn’t have been able to keep him there. but at least someone he knew and that loved him would have wanted him.

            Now it seems  don’t even have any family. I found out my nephew moved nearly to the other side of the state and neither he nor anyone else even saw fit to tell me anything about it. The only time I ever hear anything from the kids is when I initiate contact myself. So really who would take Loki? I guess a lot more things don't matter now. I guess I will be making some more changes to my will. I had been planning to leave things like my childhood toys, my Tonka’s etc... to the kids which I know are worth a lot of money but ya know if that’s how they want to treat me I may as well sell them and get some use out of them. I miss my love and our kids and that feeling of family and feeling whole.  This feeling f being so incomplete is more than I can bare but yet that tiny fragment of hope still burns. I fear that one of these days even that will be gone and on that day I too will cease to exist. I wonder if anyone will wonder why, wonder why it took my dog with me why I left, what sadness I felt so deep inside me that that was the only future I could see and want for myself. I started this a Friday night late and there is just too much on my mind. Trying to figure out where money is going to come from , how I am going to get the truck fixed, and thinking about her and the kids and a whole lot of other stuff crammed in to the spaces in between. I took something to put me to sleep and its kicking in s I’m just going to call it a night. I love and miss you and the kids darlin.

 

A Passing Thought...

August 22, 2014 02:15 AM

            This week has totally sucked, ended up having to replace the water pump on the truck which i can't really afford. Thank god I have the friends that I do. Kurt showed up the other day with the new pump I still had not figured out how I was going to swing getting it and he had taken his step daughters car over and junked it and he had the money so he picked me up the pump. Well we got it in and I was leaving the sealant set over night. Well there wasn't anymore leak so that is fixed. Then today on the way up to my therapy appt. trying to run the fan to have some air moving discovered the only thing that would come out was hot air, really hot air.so Loki and I  had a real miserable trip up and back home. The heat index hit 109 today.figured out what that problem was working out in the heat so in the morning ill go up and get a vacuum hose and plug set and start tracing down lines and sealing of stuff so I know the actuator is getting sufficient pressure to function.
             You know thinking about my friends I Have to think about my Lisa as well. even the men I have chosen as friends are much like me. I never really gave it much thought to be honest. She never believed anyone could ever love another's children as much as their own until she saw that I loved her kids as much as she did. That I would give up and sacrifice and do whatever i had to got those kids and each one of my closest friends are the same way. Whether it is Dave, Rory or Kurt each of us accepted and loved another man's children as our own to love and cherish and take into our lives as though we were their natural fathers. And of all of us Dave was the only once to have been a natural  father.the other three of us never have nor will we ever father a child yet we know the love and joy of being a parent even if it has been torn away from me. Doesn't really mean anything writing this down other than I had not really taken it into account before and thought it was worth noting. It's late and I hurt so much bother physically and mentally. I miss her so  much. I love her and the kids so very much and I hope she knows it. Good night my beloved. I love you.

 

August 07, 2014 09:58 PM

           

 

I Love You.

August 06, 2014 10:32 PM

            I miss Lisa and the kids so much. As I watch my Loki grow, I can’t help but think back to my Thor and our first trip to see them. He had gotten so big from the time she had seen him and the time she came back. He is already nearly as big as Thor was when we went down the first time. Most days I am barely find the strength to get out of bed. I don’t talk about my feelings for her and the kids to anyone really anymore because I know nobody really want to hear the same old story. I still dream of them all the time, that and dying. Some times when I wake in the middle of the night with a panic attack and my heart is screaming in such pain I want to drive a knife s deep into it to make it stop just so I don’t have to wonder anymore. I can’t bring myself to even wipe her message from my bathroom mirror.  Nevertheless, each day at least for a short while I decide I will live just a little bit longer. Just a little, that maybe I will hear from the love of my life, from my best friend, from the kids. I look at y Loki and I think how lucky Thor and I were or at least Thor as, he died knowing that they really loved him. Last night I scared my boy, I woke up screaming. I need them so much, I miss them so much. I love them with all that is in me. Each night i still tell her I love her and tell them all good night. Please lord bring her back to me.

 

Hate

July 25, 2014 12:02 PM

            My life is one suck ass day after another. I had a phone call earlier this week by my cousin Joe.  I was gone and he left a voice mail wanting me to call him back. Naturally I didn't, had no interest in hearing from him let alone calling him back about anything. But his calling forced me to contact my sister to do the right thing as the older brother and let her know that he was calling again. having not had any contact with her in a year I was not happy about that. It was her choice and she had to live with her choice. But I texted her, didn't get any response as expected. He called again the next day, left a message again saying he wanted my sisters cell number. I didn't call him back either but once again texted her to let her know he was looking for her. The exchange was , cool to say the least. Gad I hate him in the worst way. I don't even acknowledge that he even exists unless I'm forced to in a situation like that. I don't even think about him unless something forces me to.  so hate him more than anything , there is only one person on this earth I hate more than him. I love a woman that, well I love her more than life itself and I hurt so very much  I hurt every moment of every single day. I don't now how to stop the pain, I don't know how to live with this bleeding would through my middle and I don't know how to stop missing her and the kids. The depression gets worse every day and I just don't have the strength anymore.

 

I just can't cut her away

July 15, 2014 01:15 AM

           Today I helped my boy Loki with his teeth. He had 4 baby teeth that had to come out because they were loose and they were hurting him. He has had trouble eating the last couple of days because of them and it took a little time and cuddling but I managed to get them out. He is doing better tonight and is finally sleeping good. Tonight as he laid on the bed with me looking so sad and I petted him and just let him be close all I could do is think about to me Thor and out family and it made me cry. Hell I am crying like I do most times when I think of them because I hurt so much. Loki and I watched  movie and he knew something was wrong, he always does. As I rolled to my side a little there was a sharp pain in my left pocket and I knew it was my keys. I reached in to dig them out. I sat looking at them and I just began to cry harder. You see I don't look at them very often, I try very hard not to. Tonight I took part of my key chain off and it killed me to do it. It hurts so much even right now to speak about it. You see on the key ring I made hung a very special and dear to me key chin. it was a gift from Lisa and the kids. It was a heart shaped locket that I carried their picture in and on the outside of it it says Kansas on it. They always wanted me to remember someone in Kansas loved me, now I don't know if anyone ever really did . I hurt so much all the time and I don't know how to make it stop. I have carried it since they gave it to me and in my other pocket there are 2 things that re always there. The one is the little moonstone angel the Lisa gave my mom and I have carried that with me every single day since the day my mom died. and in the same pocket there is a horse chestnut seed or a "buck eye" that my jess brought back from Ohio for me and I have carried it in that same pocket since she gave it to me. It is hard as a rock and is polished to a dark sheen now from wear and being moved around in the fabric. Every single time I change clothes those 2 things get transferred first. First my right front pocket with my angel and my buck eye the my left with my keys and my locket.The only reason I am not wearing my Jessie's bracelet right now is because of this damn skin condition I have developed because of the constant emotional stress. When I was alone and hurting or feeling sad or even missing my mo or my love and the kids I would find myself reaching into my pocket and holding that little angel or just out of nowhere it would seem to be in my hand and I would be rubbing it. It would make me feel close to my mom and to my love and family. I have often thought of taking Jess's buck eye and drilling it and running a silver eye wire through it and making a necklace out of it. God I can't focus my thoughts are so scrambled its not even funny I miss you baby, so much and I wish I could just close my eyes and never wake up.

 

It is sad for me to know that losing her and the kids nobody is ever going to love me this much when I'm gone.
http://ilovedogs.tv/844/This-Story-Of-A-Dog’s-Last-Day-On-Earth-Is-Beautiful-And-Utterly-Heartbreaking

Sleep

July 14, 2014 01:02 AM

            You know with each passing day my depression grows worse. I seem to sleep more and more to avoid my life. Both Loki and I slept most of the weekend. Even he has an even harder time waking me up. I havent eaten in several days and i dont have any appetite at all.maybe this will end up being my final gift to her. I don't even remember the last time I even used my cpap machine it has been so long ago, I guess part of me feels that she was the one that found the fact that i stop breathing in my sleep it would some how be fitting that perhaps i should die that way. I tin part of me keeps hoping that will happen so I am spared any more of this. As my mom put it, I am not afraid and i am more then ready. I am just so tired.

 

July 11, 2014 02:28 AM

        Well This is going to be my first entry of my new journal. I am still as sad and brokenhearted as every and still as lost without her and the kids. I can't live without them, I don't know anyway I can do it. Every single day and every single breath is so hard and I just can't take it anymore. I heard from Mike, I don't know how he always knows when I am in trouble but he does. I got his package today from Kwan Si's  shop in Chinatown. It had all the medicinals in it I need along with , well some other things He thought I would want but I really wish he had not sent them.  Anyway there are enough things going through my head right now and I just can't really think straight. Where ever you are baby I love you and the kids.