August 25, 2014 01:13 AM
My luck
is as always running right on course.. not only is my truck giving me problems
but now the air conditioner in the house gone to shit. I don't know if the
compressor is out of it or if it has a Freon leak. I don’t know it just seems
like I manage one step forward and I end up making five steps back. I was
talking to a friend earlier tonight and she was telling me about a neighbor of
hers that they had found that died of an apparent suicide. She said it was so
sad that the woman did not really have much family but what she did have did
not live very far but they rarely visited. They said she had a little dog but
what she couldn’t understand was that she killed her dog before she took her
own life. I didn’t say much for a
little bit, thinking how that reflected my own situation some I told her that
wasn’t really all that hard to understand. She asked my why would she do that
to her dog? She said she couldn't understand any of it really, she was a nice
gal and friendly and had talked with her many time and she never would have
guessed she would do something like this.
I told her if her dog was her sole companion like my Loki s I could
fully understand. If it was like me Loki would be devastated without me. hell
he is heart broken if I go outside without him. I would want to spare him the
soul crushing heartbreak of my being gone and never returning. Besides who
would take him in, my family? wouldn’t happen. maybe she knew her family would
take her dog to a shelter or something here it would sit not understanding,
alone and afraid until it was put to sleep. I told her just because she
appeared happy doesn’t mean she was, you can be with people and be s totally a
lone that it hurts so much and nobody knows. People don’t now or understand and
you never know what is happening in a persons life. I could not let Loki suffer
without me, how many stories and videos haven’t I seen about pets abandoned
because their owners passed away and
they wait for them to come back, nobody to care for them but they wait.
Loki even now feels bad because I refuse to play with him so he doesn’t get
over heated with the A/C broken now. If something had happened to me Lisa would have tried to take care of him. But I think realistically that probably wouldn’t have happened either. Not where
she lives. She just wouldn’t have been able to keep him there. but at least
someone he knew and that loved him would have wanted him.
Now it seems don’t even have any
family. I found out my nephew moved nearly to the other side of the state and
neither he nor anyone else even saw fit to tell me anything about it. The only
time I ever hear anything from the kids is when I initiate contact myself. So
really who would take Loki? I guess a lot more things don't matter now. I guess
I will be making some more changes to my will. I had been planning to leave
things like my childhood toys, my Tonka’s etc... to the kids which I know are
worth a lot of money but ya know if that’s how they want to treat me I may as
well sell them and get some use out of them. I miss my love and our kids and
that feeling of family and feeling whole.
This feeling f being so incomplete is more than I can bare but yet that
tiny fragment of hope still burns. I fear that one of these days even that will
be gone and on that day I too will cease to exist. I wonder if anyone will
wonder why, wonder why it took my dog with me why I left, what sadness I felt
so deep inside me that that was the only future I could see and want for
myself. I started this a Friday night late and there is just too much on my
mind. Trying to figure out where money is going to come from , how I am going
to get the truck fixed, and thinking about her and the kids and a whole lot of
other stuff crammed in to the spaces in between. I took something to put me to
sleep and its kicking in s I’m just going to call it a night. I love and miss
you and the kids darlin.
